


Twisting Python

by rafestark



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975), Monty Python's Flying Circus
Genre: Crossover, Gen, silliness
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-19
Updated: 2016-12-19
Packaged: 2018-09-09 19:21:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 892
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8908963
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rafestark/pseuds/rafestark
Summary: Stop that! It's silly. And a bit suspect, I think...





	

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Fight of the Lumberjack](https://archiveofourown.org/works/8892055) by [oxnate](https://archiveofourown.org/users/oxnate/pseuds/oxnate). 



_Disclaimer : Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Monty Python's Flying Circus are copyright and not created or owned by me. References to characters, episodes, sketches and all other intellectual property related to these shows below are made for entertainment only and I do not profit from it in any way._

_Note: Having read[Oxnate's great one-shot](http://archiveofourown.org/works/8892055) tribute to the Lumberjack Song, I've had Buffy versions/ adaptations of Monty Python sketches going through my head for days, and had to write some of them down. This is a series of unrelated one-shots, so the topic and rating will vary._

 

Somewhere in the twisting caverns and sewers beneath L.A, a desperate soldier was holding court with his captors.

“Right.” Sergeant Cleese began, looking nervously at the vampires surrounding him. “So, I'll pick up where we left off last night, then – showing you how to defend yourself against the many wily attacks of a Slayer. I believe we were working our way through the various methods of defense should she come at you armed with a piece of fresh fruit.”

“This is stupid. The Slayer would never use fruit.” One of the bigger vampires glared at him.

“How would you know?” The soldier pointed out. “Have any of you ever survived an encounter with a Slayer?” He looked over the group who were looking amongst themselves. No-one put their hand up. “Right, then.”

“But you promised we were done with fruit yesterday.” A more recently sired creature of the night whined.

“What do you mean?” The Sergeant stalled.

“We've been doing fruit the last nine days.” The whiny one answered.

“What's wrong with fruit? You think you know all of the fruits the Slayer has access to?” He bluffed bravely.

“Can't we do something else for a change?” The big one growled, apparently used to obeying orders.

“Like if she attacked us with a point-ed stick?” An unusually hopeful-looking vampire with a welsh accent suggested from near the back.

“Oh, a pointed stick? Getting very confident for a group who asked for my help.” The Sergeant noted. “Not good enough for you to go through things in order, got to jump ahead. Well I'll tell you something – when you're out looking for victims later tonight and the Slayer comes after you with a bunch of loganberries, you won't live to come crying to me about it!”

He cast an eye over the group, who all seemed somewhat chastened by this.

“Right. The passion fruit. Now, if the Slayer lunges at you with a passion fruit – ”

“We've done the passion fruit.” Various vampires sighed.

“What?” Their captive played dumb, hoping to drag out his Scheherazade routine by repeating parts of it.

“We've done the passion fruit.” The big one intoned.

“We've done oranges, apples, grapefruit...”

“Whole _and_ segments.”

“Pomegranates, greengages...” Another voice pitched in, apparently inciting a group effort.

“Grapes, passion fruit...”

“Lemons...”

“Plums...”

“Mangoes in syrup...”

“What about cherries?” The sergeant interrupted thoughtfully.

“Did 'em.” The big one answered.

“Red _and_ black?” Their teacher pressed, suspicious.

“Yes!” The group insisted, feeling they were making progress with him.

“Alright...bananas.”

The vampires groaned pathetically, forgetting they could just kill him, under the spell of habitual obedience from however many years each of them lasted in institutional learning.

“Right, so. Bananas. How to defend yourself against a Slayer armed with a banana.” Gazing around the group, he felt that the agonising daily postponement of his death would not work much longer. He would have to take action.

“Alright you.” He tossed a banana to the whiny one. “Come at me with this banana. Now, it's quite simple to defend yourself against a Slayer armed with a banana. First of all, you force her to drop the banana. Then, you eat the banana, thus disarming her. You have now rendered her helpless!”

“What if she's got a whole bunch?” The big one asked.

“Shut up.”

“What if she's got a point-ed stick?” The welsh one chimed in, concerned.

“Shut up! Right, now, come at me with that banana. Attack me with it. Come on, really come at me! Scream with vicious intent and charge!” The sergeant riled him up.

Whiny ran forth vamped out, banana at the ready, screaming a vicious war cry. The sergeant grabbed a sword off the table behind him and cut the vampire's head off. The undead creature dropped the banana in a second of surprise before its body exploded into dust.

“Now, I eat the banana.” The teacher peeled it carefully before taking a bite.

“You cut his head off!!” The big one yelled in shock.

“He's dust!”

“He's completely dead!”

“I've now finished the banana.” Their instructor pointed out as he swallowed his last bite. “Thus rendering the deceased attacker helpless.”

“But you cut his head off!”

“Well, he was attacking me with a banana.” The sergeant pointed out.

“But you told him to!”

“Well that's what you kidnapped me for, isn't it? To teach you how to defend yourself against the Slayer, starting with fresh fruit.”

“And point-ed sticks.”

“Shut up.” The captive suggested. “Now, the raspberry.”

 

“How did you possibly escape from an entire gang of vampires?” Kate Lockley put down her pen, trying to take in the man's incredible statement.

“They underestimated the dangers of fresh fruit.” He grinned.

 

_[Click here](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jfIkMXw_YM4) to see the original (and far funnier) sketch_


End file.
